Sorry guys we've got a lacklustre report this week I'm afraid. I have lost some of my notes and I can barely read the ones I have.
We got to Aslockton in 10 minutes, I wish it was always so easy.
The team we were playing looked normal, well apart from the 34 year old playing for them.
The whistle went;
He was shooting from everywhere, from his own half, our half, the next field, Grantham, Gunthorpe and Truro. Everywhere. Every time he got the ball. Boom. Shot.
I asked to see his passport to be honest but he looked at me gone out.
I've never seen a 9 year old with tattoos and stubble, well I did see a Russian like that once but that was on holiday. Bless her.
Anyway the kid from the Russian circus was shooting as soon as he got it. He took corners. He took free kicks. He took throw ins and threw them to himself. I think it was his ball and I think he owned the field, come to think of it the neighbouring sheep had stubble and tattoos. Clearly an area hot on cloning.
Shot. Josh. Shot. Josh. Josh. Shot. Josh. Save. Save. Save. Save.
He was like a Scottish Financial Advisor. Top corner. Bottom corner. Poet's corner. Hyde Park Corner. Here. There. Right hand. Boom. Left hand. Boom. Knee. Boom. Left foot. In. Right foot. Out. We all did the okey cokey. We all turned around.
We got a corner. I think Joseph whipped it in. A good one, it beat the first man and missed the second and it came through to Noah who had anticipated it nicely.
Bang. Krispy Kreme donut time. A volley with a shiny glaze. Glistening, in the afternoon sun. A Krispy Kreme volley. A sweet finish. Goal.
Josh, save, Josh, save, Josh. Left leg. In. Right leg. Out. In, out, in, out, shot, save.
I think he saved one with his lip, his ear lobe, his nipple, ouch. Like a firing squad........
Oh dear.... The Russian circus boy again, 3 yards out, on his own, inevitable outcome, never mind, booooooom, Hiroshima, boom, SAVE, JOSH. Concrete arms. An amazing save. A point blank rocket. Certain goal? Nahhhhh, he leapt like a cat who sat on the BBQ.
They broke. The ball went out. Clearly. They played on, I was raging, ooooh dirty cheats, I argued with an old man about it. The circus boy scored, I think it was him but my eyes swelled up like a Cadbury's Cream Egg in the microwave so I couldn't see properly. He twisted his beard to celebrate. I'm still raging now. I hope his trapeze is well maintained and he doesn't fall off.
It was 1-1 at half time and it was 1-1 for absolutely ages but we just couldn't score.
Good defending and some nice moves but no end product.
Sanju was brilliant at the back again. So calm. He wheeled himself around in his bed, just chilling and giving the ball simply.
Josh R was solid. He was bringing the ball out of defence like the great defenders in the good old days. Drifting here, drifting there, he was like the Hulk in the eighties.
Jonty was being elastic. He was marking the circus boy and doing a fine job. Jonty nutmegged him at one point and I burst out laughing. The Russian threw me a stony glare. He was scary.
Jonny was swatting them away with his tennis racket and creating havoc, which I'm not sure is totally legal but the ref didn't see him anyway, he was blind as a bat.
Mills was doing his Yorkshire terrier impression as always, snap, snap, snap.
He gave it to Noah but he ballooned it over the bar, helium filled, I screamed but my voice had gone all squeaky. I shut up. I threw the book I was writing in into a puddle of mud. Very mature mate. Very mature. Stilton in fact.
Another chance. Bobby. Missed it.
Aslockton broke. A certain goal. Brilliant interception from the pocket ninja Jacob. He appeared out of the ground.... More Kung Fu? Did you see that ? Neither did I.
A great ball from Noah to Bobby, the dazzler, tackle, ooooooooh.
Mills down the wing, great cross, blocked, oooooooh.
Joseph was full of energy and dazzled down the wing in his technicolor dreamcoat.
I closed my eyes.
So had the ref.
The cross was blocked.
It was rough and tumble out there now. There were fouls everywhere. Our kids were getting fouled all over the shop, like a chicken in Tesco with a poorly belly. The ref waved play on. Another foul. Play on. Another. Play on. I think he belonged to the Russian circus.
" Come on ref are you blind ?" I shouted.
" Please refrain from shouting madam whilst this young lady is trying to pot the black" he said.
That confirmed it. Great.
Josh, save, Josh, save. Eyeball. Nostril. He saved one with his bottom.
Mills ran through 20 players, pinball wizard style, he bounced off everyone and gave it to Noah he skipped around the keeper to create the angle, bang......it's going in....
Is it ? , is it ?, is it ? .... It's on the line... Is it going in ?, boom. The flame stabs it home. A tap in for Bobby. Goal.
It broke in the area. Their area. Noah twisting like a cobra. It came to Bobby. Everyone around him. Like dropping a magnet in a pot of iron filings at school. Come on we all did it in science, well all the males did. They were all over him. Like the Russian's tattoos. He swivelled, boom, goal.
I turned to wink at the old man but he'd gone. Grow up Scott.
The whistle went.
I brushed the mud off the book.
The ref came over and congratulated me on my 147 break.
We had done rather well again considering the ref thought he was at a snooker game and the opposition's striker drove himself home.
We all left and trudged through the mud.
Well I think we did.
I hope so.
Has anyone seen my Auntie Margaret ?
She's not still sat there on that green seat is she ?